Allow Me To Shed Some Light

I totally forgot to blog about the craziness of yesterday.

It all started when Charles of Hopefully-His-Name-Is-Not-Repeated-Too-Often-In-This-Story rolled out of bed early (that's 9:30 folks) and went to pick up his buddy Welco Matt. You see, they had planned to go to the far-off land of Seburn and to lend a hand in ridding that land of the Hideous Shed. Now, as we all know, there is no venture worth taking unless it is fully funded by coffee and slurpees and so our boys availed themselves of such accoutrements and also made provision for those who were not so well versed in the art of venturing.

Upon arriving in the land of Seburn our stalwart heroes entreated The Great Paul to allow them passage and provisions for the forthcoming onslaught upon the Hideous Shed. But The Great Paul was renowned for his exploits and forays into untold danger and, not being one to back down from a challenge, he offered his services in what was to be the greatest conquest of our time.

As provisions and battle plans were being discussed a young wastrel happened by and inquired as to the intended purpose of the small gathering. After exchanged pleasantries it was learned that this wastrel was none other than Mack of the Craw, whose legendary battle axe had slain the great Sunfire Beast with a single blow. An immediate brotherhood was shared among the men and it was decided that they would leave for their quest at once. Sadly their enthusiasm was waylaid as one thing stood in the way of the eternal banishment of the Hideous Shed. The Bin of Eternal Frustration was nowhere to be found, and whose absence would prove detrimental to the cause at hand.

Fortunately for our young lads the Great Paul's gallantry was eclipsed only by his hospitality and so it was decided that all would enter the great hall and much merriment would be made. And much merriment was made with Welco Matt's deep drum rhythms, Mack of the Craw's sweet tinkling of the Stick of Perpetual Rain, Charles of Hopefully-His-Name-Is-Not-Repeated-Too-Often- In-This-Story's gentle melodies on the lute, and The Great Paul's skillful mastery of the Cup from the Halls of Horton. Yes, it was a momentous occasion of offering sweet music to the Lord of the Harvest, although the three lads were somewhat concerned about the Great Paul's continual mutterings of "ta-ti-ti-ta" and "kal-a-bash-i" and such.

Due to the uncertain whereabouts of the Bin of Eternal Frustration our intrepid fellowship decided to set out after the Hideous Shed in hopes of weakening its resolve in order to ease the future burden of the final onslaught with the help of the Bin. Little did they realize the folly of their actions, a realization of such littleness that it would have ensured the realization of the littlest folly-induced action...or so the saying goes.

In order to speed this thing along I will spare the details of the trek through the land of Seburn to the lair of the Hideous Shed; it was mostly just silliness anyway. Then at last the Shed was spotted and insipid fear was struck into the hearts of all but The Great Paul (I said he was gallant, not necessarily the sharpest card in the pile). The plan was to attack the sides of the monstrous beast in an attempt to expose the vile innards, thus allowing easy access to the Shed's vulnerable spots for latter removal to the Bin. That was the plan, but it proved a difficult task to be sure. Mack of the Craw let fly his battle axe upon the southern flank, while The Great Paul unleash a maelstrom of impunity upon the north with his stout Bar of Crows. Next Welco Matt attempted his famed smash technique, while Charles of Hopefully-His-Name-Is-Not-Repeated-Too-Often-In-This-Story cheered and offered unwelcome suggestions from the sidelines.

At first things seemed to be going smashingly (especially for Welco Matt) as flesh was torn from the Shed's sides and vile smelling entrails poured out, but the Hideous Shed was not regarded as the fiercest of beasts for naught. At the onset of our heroes' second wave of attack the Shed revealed its awful secret weapon: the Swarming Wasps of the Running and the Screaming Like Wee Girls. Many a young lad had fallen prey to the Swarming Wasps of the Running and the Screaming Like Wee Girls and Mack of the Craw decided that this was not his time to join them as he turned tail and fled, leaving behind his battle axe and muttering something about Jeff of Truck.

Now, the closest anyone has come before to defeating the Hideous Shed was Angus the one-eyed barber, who had faked a supernatural healing by the Holy Spirit. After narrowly escaping the Shed's sinister clutches he made known its singular weakness, calling for the removal of the Wasp's Nest of Oppression. Luckily our heroes knew of this secret and made haste to acquire the Hose of Wooshy-Wooshy Power and with it to cut out the heart of the beast.

It was to be a two-pronged attack: Charles of Hopefully-His-Name-Is-Not-Repeated-Too-Often-In-This-Story manned the Hose while The Great Paul and Welco Matt took turns assaulting the Shed, attempting to expose the Nest of Oppression. This was Welco Matt's opportunity to shine and he took full advantage, unleashing massive blows with the cowardly abandoned battle axe. Blow after somewhat misguided blow was leveled upon the beast's side as Welco Matt sucked in great gulps of oxygen, having lost his prior skill with the axe. The heavy, suppressive cover-fire supplied by the Hose of Wooshy-Wooshy Power proved most useful in keeping the Swarming Wasps of the Running and the Screaming Like Wee Girls at bay. The Great Paul also proved his mettle, prying layer upon layer of axe-loosened flesh from the Shed.

At last the Nest was uncovered as The Great Paul pulled it from its hiding place. But this was not a time for triumphant ballyhoo, no, this was a time for running and screaming like wee girls, and that's just what they did. Charles of Hopefully-His-Name-Is-Not-Repeated-Too-Often-In-This-Story was the first to go down as he clutched his head and screamed like a wee girl, "I'm hit." The Great Paul, who had a penchant for laughing at others in their distress, was the next to feel the icy grip of death amid a cacophony of self-propelled laughter and wee girl screaming. Perhaps it was the fact that his parents were killed in a tragic Swarming Wasp accident or perhaps it was the slurpee takings its full effect, but I think nary an eye has seen a man move faster than did Welco Matt that day, a truth made more remarkable if you know him at all.

But in the end our heroes did prevail as Welco Matt used one last blast from the Hose of Wooshy-Wooshy Power to quell the threat and The Great Paul and Charles of Hopefully-His-Name-Is-Not-Repeated-Too-Often-In-This-Story engaged in the time-honored Swarming Wasps of the Running and the Screaming Like Wee Girls Antidote Dance, which consists of hopping and scratching and chanting the sacred words that can not be repeated here. The Hideous Shed was exposed, awaiting the Bin of Eternal Frustration (which held up to its name) and its final demise. The heroes (those who remained anyway) clapped arms, a new bond of brotherhood formed.

And the best part of this adventure is that you can decide how it ends. The Hideous Shed is not yet fully removed from the land of Seburn and The Great Paul could use any hero willing to render his/her services. So please call the Great Paul and bring this adventure to a happy ending.