Inner Beats

Reading a little Augustine today. After attending Cafe Wycliffe last night I find a kindred thought in his notion of prior knowledge preceding memory. The Cafe evening started with a Sudanese group singing worship (mostly in Arabic). As us whiteys sat there trying desperately not to wiggle too much for fear of embarrassment it got me thinking about my approach to God in worship. My intellectual side is very pervasive in its disputatious redolence (if you can figure out what that means you know exactly which part of my anatomy it came from). I approach worship with my mind, needing to know and understand the words or postures I’m using. I think I use this as a guard so that I can approach the throne of my very Creator without having it affect me too much; all the benefit without any of the shiny-juices-on-the-face-of-Moses business.

The few times that God has broken through all my shit it has been devastating indeed. He leaves me devoid of my own strength, a speck of insignificance in a sea of pure Substance. Yesterday, despite my defenses, I felt, again, that piece of me that wants to cry, shout, laugh, dance for God. I think this is what Augustine means:

They have known it then, I know not how, and so have it by some sort of knowledge, what, I know not how, and am perplexed whether it be in the memory, which if it be, then we have been happy once; whether all severally, or in that man who first sinned, in whom also we all died, and from whom we are all born with misery, I now enquire not, but only, whether the happy life be in the memory? For neither should we love it, did we not know it. (Confessions)

It is the part of us that knows God as from memory. We have known Him, we have known real happiness in Him and we cry again for that which we once knew so well, perhaps as in a dream. It is this yearning that manifests in worship, not some convoluted sequence of words that describe what God has done or is.

Furthermore, we cannot express more than what we have come to know and even this is from God. Again Augustine:

For neither do I utter anything right unto men, which Thou hast not before heard from me; nor dost Thou hear any such thing from me, which Thou has not first said unto me. (Confessions)

All which God has given to us we return in worship; nothing more, and hopefully nothing less.

Openness

We say that at The House we seek to be fully open with our lives, that we move to a point where everything is held in common. This includes hopes, dreams, fears, philosophies, food, space, time, struggles, victories, aspirations, etc.. But how do we actually do this? There is very little precedent for this sort of thing in our societies. Even in the representative microcosm of the family this is less and less evident as western culture moves to the brink of total individualism.

It's not comfortable to share our hurts with others. I don't like letting people know that I hurt. In fact, I grew up in a family where hiding pain was the right thing to do, where no one should see you bleed because they don't need to hear about your problems. Now it feels wrong for me to express need. It feels sinful. But the Scriptures tell us to "carry each other's burdens" (Gal. 6:2, in regards to sin) and to "confess your sins to each other and pray for each other" (James 5:16)...Ouch! When was the last time you confess your sins to a friend?

Another point of contention is the extent to which I have authority to speak into someone else's life. Our culture says, "Leave me alone and I'll leave you alone and we'll all be happy shiny people." If I try to help a friend in need will I be rejected? Do I reject people who try to help me? I don't like receiving charity either. I don't like having others know my flaws or vices and I don't like being vulnerable. But guess what, we all have flaws and vices and we are all vulnerable by the nature of our condition. Trying to build protection against hurt is but a mirage, a vain attempt to stave off the inevitable grip of our fallen condition. Even if you isolate yourself from all sources of rejection or hurt, i.e. humans, you will only find the sting of loneliness. And if you surround yourself with people who give love too easily, i.e. prostitutes, you will find a shallow excuse for intimacy (no mom, I'm not speaking from experience here).

So where is the balance and how do we, as The House, facilitate the journey towards openness?

You didn't actually think I would reveal the secret, did you?

Two Words

I only have two words for the sweetness of today...ci gar. Well, okay I'll write a bit more. One of my best friends, Blair Major, is back in town and this time it's for good as he is going to law school at the UofA. We spent the day hanging out and much sweetness ensued. Lunch at Tony Roma's (2 meals for $10.99, how can you go wrong?), then we bought a couple of cigars at La Tienda and enjoyed them at a park. A beautiful day in the park, smoking a cigar, and talking philosophy with a good bud, is there anything better?

Anyway, I'm really starting to get back into the desire to expand my knowledge and interests. Now that I've been out of school for a year (excluding the couple of courses I took this last year) I can pick things I am interested in and go at my own pace...no pressure...beautiful! Currently I am rekindling my love of philosophy (maybe partly because Blair is back and also because Ali is ensconced in it). I read a little Kant and just picked up Keirkegaard (I thought I'd start in the Ks and work my way out...haha). This time around (with scads of experience under my belt) I'm approaching the subject from a different tack. I'm trying to avoid the pendulum swing from total rational thought to total experiential focus. I'm trying to maintain my sense of awe and mystery about God and the world, while gaining new insight into the rational nature of man. Should be fun.

But Then It Rains

How could you not love the rain? I don't think there is a more powerful example of God's work in the world than rain. Drops of life falling from the sky, making everything clean and fresh, bringing a new beginning to all. And to throw the awesome power of lightning on top of that, c'est magnifique...non?

Whilst living in the city, rain is almost the only thing that reminds me of God. What with all the concrete, steel, noise, traffic, and rushiness it's hard to see His workings. But then it rains.

Mawidge

It's official. I have now married 3 people...Erika and Jorgen and Lee-Ann. For those of you who didn't hear the wedding was not without incident. On my way to the rehersal dinner Friday night I drove past the church only to see multiple fire trucks and ambulae. It turns out the roof caught on fire after the baffoons who were tarring it left a torch on and the tar lit up. Lee-Ann and some of her bridesmaids were in the sanctuary decorating when the pastor of the church came in to warn them of the fire. As they sat on the lawn dismaying a propane tank on the roof exploded, shooting 20 foot flames and shaking everything in sight. Sweeeeeet...in a bad way.

The fire-fighters got the fire out but the church was soaked and they we weren't sure if we could hold the rehersal there let alone the wedding the next day. Clean-up crews were called and the building was inspected and deemed safe for us to continue. All of this was on the news that night. Consequently, CFRN and Global came to the ceremony to do a follow-up story on the wedding that almost didn't happen. Yeah! My first wedding is going to be on TV...no wait...holy crap my first wedding is going to be on TV, aghhhhhh!!

Everything went swimmingly and I actually had fun doing the ceremony. I was especially glad that everyone recognized the opening remarks from The Princess Bride and much hilarity ensued. That really set the tone for the rest of the ceremony. We also played the newscast at the reception, which was pretty neat. When Jorgen and Lee-Ann look back on this after a while I'm sure they will laugh and appreciate the fact that their wedding was on TV...and they will always have some lovely footage of the back of my head!

Live Long and Prosper...No Wait!

I think Matt has already blogged about Darth Vader's blog but I must second his motion and reinforce the coolness of said blog. The blog consists of Lord Vader's thoughts as it follows the storyline of the movies. It's really quite brilliant (if you're into Star Wars at all...and even if you're not). We finally get to see Vader behind the helmet. I put a link in my blogs link so check it out!

Rags to Cloth, Man of the

All of a sudden I go from some poor shmuck with no purpose in life to the pastor of a church and marrying Jorgen and Lee-Ann this Saturday. It's quite a shift in thinking.

This wedding should be fairly casual, lots of people I know and Jorgen and Lee-Ann are good friends, and yet I don't know how nervous I will be. I don't have extreme stage fright or anything, but I do tend to suffer from a dry throat whilst speaking, which could be tricky when performing a wedding ceremony.

What with The House putting an offer on the house (note: lower case vs. upper case) and performing a wedding this weekend I'm having quite a week for paradigm shifts. And yet it doesn't quite seem real. Maybe once we move into the house there will be more to do and it will feel more concrete.

Weary of Worry

I feel really anxious these days and I don't know why. I feel as though I have thousands of things to do and take care of, when, in reality, I don't. This happens to me every once in a while and I think it happens mostly when I go from actually being busy to having a more lax schedule. Just having finished my one class, volleyball, etc. I have more time now and the few things that I have to do seem larger because I'm not in a routine every day. When life is busy it's easier to fit an errand here or a task there, you just do it. When things slow down it's harder to get motivated. Anyone else have this? (OK that was as rhetorical as it gets).

Another reason for my state is the number of issues and situations in my life right now that don't have easy fixes or simple answers. It's one thing when you have a list of stuff to do, you just check 'em off and move on. But when there are issues about personality clashes within your community you can't simply move on, it's constant, and I have a few of those happening recently.

I struggle with being near-sighted in my approach to life, or maybe it's far-sighted. I look at all the things that require my attention and I bring them close, where they cloud my vision and suddenly I'm trapped, closed in on all sides. I allow worries and concerns to build up, each one compounding the others. I find that blogging about some of these things has helped but I realize more and more that I need to bring them before my Lord and let Him deal with the worry and the anxiousness.

...When You're Down and Out

So I'm really starting to feel the heat. I haven't ahd much to write about for days and now I feel that I might bog down the entire blogger server. Things at The House have been going quite well, but all of a sudden things have sped up and I feel as though I am living proof of Heissenberg's principle (lay off spelling Nazi's!), as soon as I think to have a handle on one thing, everything else is affected and I have nothing.

Suddenly we find ourselves in a time crunch with purchasing the building we want as the owners have been forced to put it on the market due to financial pressures. Not a huge deal, but now we have to make a proposal soon and we don't have our status from the gov't yet, which we probably need before we can negotiate with the EFC trust for a down payment. More and more I see that only God can make this thing work. If this is the house that we are to be in, it will happen, if not, then we look again.

On top of this, things within The House are complicated as well. The issue of communion continues to play a large role and, although I agree that the discussion and wrestling over the issues is good, I still feel that people are losing confidence. There are also tense relationships forming, which threaten to tear things apart if not dealt with. We have talked a good deal about sacrifice in building The House, sacrificing time, money, privacy, but I see the first act of sacrifice for all involved is the sacrifce of self in a general sense, willingness to truly put others first in all things. This is not some esoteric ideal but it must go down to the root. This should not be a once-a-day thing or reserved for grand shows of self-sacrificing. It must be 24/7 giving up of our own needs, wants, or comforts, everything from giving up a comfortable chair to talking down a suicide when you'd rather play Galaga. And it must be intentional. It must shake the core of how we think when in community. How will my actions and words affect others? And not just reactive but proactive. Not simply avoiding things that might annoy or offend but breaking out of ourselves and doing things that will lift up and edify. Shit...I'm actually getting something out of journaling! What's next, decorative macrame?

On top of all of this, it is only the third of the month and our bank balance is at -$0.71. Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!